A Path Through My Mind

It was 2017. I sat at a my kitchen counter staring at a checkbook. I didn't know what to do with it, but I knew it had a familiar, financial purpose. "Is this where the amount goes?" I just couldn't remember... What do I do with it after I figure out how to fill it out?

"Sigh... I just don't know..." I shook my head and tears filled my eyes. 

My heart sank. 

I walked over to the stove and pondered a bit as to how the burners worked. It was useless. "I can't figure out how to turn it on..."

"I'm 36 years old and I don't know how to turn the stove on...I can't remember how to pay my bills..." 

"Who even am I?"

The previous years I had spent cooking, cleaning, working... having a family and raising my daughter. We had bought a nice house in a nice city and life seemed to be going well. 

Until it wasn't. Now I was alone and lost in the world. Living by myself nearly an hour away from everything I knew in a city I knew little about. 

I came here because I didn't know where else to go. And I was genuinely afraid of people. My goal was to avoid them as much as I could.

The large, room-length bathroom mirror in my loft studio apartment was covered with sticky note reminders and instructions such as "you are loved and lovable, brush teeth, take a bath..."

My kitchen cabinets were covered with sticky notes such as "remember to eat" and "research how to turn on stove..."

The walls of the loft were littered with yellow and pink sticky notes with reminders to myself. "Water plants... don't drink alcohol it makes you sick."

I read these every day to keep myself on track.

I made a giant calendar out of blank printer paper. 1 page hung on the wall for each day of the month.

I kept notes on these calendar pages. Such as where I went, if I went for a walk and who I saw. The positive hopeful messages I could remind myself with... What I needed or wanted to do that day or the next. The things I needed or wanted to remember littered every single page.

I didn't know if I was going to make it through this. I had been struggling since 2015.

I felt damaged and ruined.

I broke down into tears multiple times every single day. 

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This story is the midst of how it sadness, sorrow and defeat I felt and a bit of what life was like for me when I lost my memory. 

I didn't suffer blunt force trauma. 

I didn't have a stroke.

What I had was stress induced memory loss. I suffered from stress induced brain damage.  A long-term overload of stress hormones caused the blood/brain barrier in my brain to weaken. Toxins filled my system any time I ate, drank or came into contact with chemicals.   

The combination of the stress induced memory loss and the biological, chemical, hormonal and emotional challenges of post traumatic stress disorder... left me terrified, triggered, and confused. 

I literally woke up one morning and realized that I no longer remembered anything. Although the illness was gradual, the memory loss was instant.

I would lose days on end in a sort of distant trance, though I likely seemed awake and okay, I was suffering greatly.

I was afraid of life. The quality of my life was so low, I wondered how anyone with such a low quality could live like this.

Because the stress hormones flushed through my system constantly, I was in a daily struggle with inflammation in my brain and body. 

I was in a fight with my brain and my body to get myself and my life back.

I focused on what I did and didn't know about me.

I remembered my family. But I had no idea where my 18 year old daughter was.

I remembered what I did for work. But I didn't remember how to do my job.

I couldn't play the guitar anymore. 

I had painted as a hobby for years. But I couldn't remember what to make with the paint.

I had no memory of movies. 

I had no memory of songs.

I had no memory of how to do simple tasks and errands.

Despite my lack of knowing how to simply function as an adult in life, my mind was not covered in peace, silence, or clarity. 

It was overwhelmed with static, noise, and chaos 24/7. I couldn't escape the noise, no matter how hard I tried.

I share this story with you because it was one of the most pivotal moments of my life. I never thought something like this would happen to me. I was a paralegal and a private investigator at the top of my 10 year career. I loved my job and the people I helped. 

I didn't know if I would ever "be me" again. I was terrified that my condition was permanent.

Deep down in my heart I knew who I was, but I couldn't figure out how to be that person again.

I took leave from my job and put my cases on hold... and decided to do whatever I needed to do to heal.   

It was in this loft apartment that I first practiced mindfulness training. At first, I didn't expect much because I had already tried multiple therapies and solutions with no luck.   

But I did the exercises as best I could without self-judgment. 

And this began my journey to me re-learning absolutely everything. 

I think my story is pretty rare. I have never met another person who suffered stress induced memory loss before. 

But what I can say is that mindfulness training and practice were the beginning stepping stones that started to bring me back to life again. 

If I would have started a mindfulness program prior to losing my memory, it would have been so I  could be more present, more engaged in the "NOW" moments with my loved ones.

I would have wanted a better experience of life. 

I would have wanted less stress and more joy in my life. 

I would have wanted the internal noise to quiet down so I could could hear myself think. 

Mindfulness training not only gave me all of those things, but it was one of the tools that brought me back to life. This person, Lora. 

It found me and with practice, I received the gift of life and living once again. But this time, with mindfulness as tool and a way of being, I was able to pave a better path to where life needed me to be. 

Which is right here with you. 

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My 4-week mindfulness training program is now open and accepting enrollments.  I hope to see you there!

Stay in peace,

Lora

www.loraperry.com

email: [email protected]